Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
