We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
