it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
