Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
