im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
