dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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