Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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