i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
