I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
