dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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