he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
