I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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