she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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