i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's never too late to be topless.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
