my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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