I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
