My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
