Having a random hookup so left but love u
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
