I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
