Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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