He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
