You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
