I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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