My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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