Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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