He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
