nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
