I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What a dumb baby whore.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
