After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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