I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
