Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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