Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
