We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
