I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
