So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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