how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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