Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
