I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
