This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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