i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
