Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
