I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
