My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
