the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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