he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
