What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
