I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
