Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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