So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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