So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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