And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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