I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
