god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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