Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
