The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't turn off my feet"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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