The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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